Stupid Comments and What I Really Want to Say

Posted by in emotion, humor, parenting

My family is unique. We have what most people would call a “big family.”  It literally looks like I am the grand master of a parade wherever we go.  As one may imagine, we get our fair share of delightful little comments from well-intended (most of the time) people.  Although I typically smile, nod, and half-heartedly chuckle, my head is usually racing with a collection of scrumptious comebacks that are usually discarded by my better sense before they make it out of my mouth.

I’ve replayed many of these interactions in my mind many times imagining how wonderful it would be if the thoughts in my head actually made their way out of my mouth.  I am well aware that my responses would be largely inappropriate, but they are my actual thoughts for better or for worse (mainly worse).  So, here are the comebacks that I imagine saying to actual comments that we have received:

1. Location: Mall

Commenter: Are you guys here on a field trip (insert sarcastic smirk)?

Me: Yes. We told the boys that we’d take them to the zoo today. Look kids, it’s a jackass.

2. Location: Everywhere

Commenter: Wow, you guys have your hands full.

Me: It’s a good thing, because otherwise I would punch you in the face.

3. Location: Walmart

Commenter: You guys have your own basketball team.

Me: With 5 points guards?  How would that work?  Who would guard the other team’s big man?  We’d really struggle on the boards and would have no interior presence. How would we decide who would be the main ball handler?  Defensively, how would we ever matchup with the other team’s 3, 4, and 5?  I mean, I get it, you see 5 kids, and you automatically think “basketball team,” but c’mon, it just wouldn’t practically work.

(Alternative)
Commenter (with his 1 son): Looks like you guys have your own basketball team.

Me: Looks like you have your own ballerina.

4. Location: Restaurant

Commenter: Are you guys going to keep trying for a girl?

Me: That’s a great idea. Would you mind watching these 5 for a couple of minutes?  We’ll be right back.

(Alternative)
Commenter: Are you guys going to keep trying for a girl?

Me: Are you guys going to keep trying for a cute one?

5. Location: Church

Commenter: Are you guys finally done?

Me: You know in the bible where it says children are (1) a heritage from the Lord, (2) a reward, (3) like arrows in the hand of a warrior, (4) a blessing to the man who fills his quiver with them, and (5) a shield against shame for a father against his enemies?  So, yeah, I don’t know if we’re done.

(Alternative)
Commenter: Are you guys finally done?

Me: We are planning on being done when you’re done being annoying, so it might be awhile.

6. Location: Church

Commenter: You guys know how that happens, right?

Me: You know in the bible where Jesus says “and the two shall become one flesh.  So they are no longer two but one flesh.”  We really like that part.

(Alternative)
Commenter: You guys know how that happens, right?

Me: It seems to happen every time someone makes a dumb, smart-aleck comment. I guess we can be expecting number 6 in exactly 9 months.

(Alternative)
Commenter: You guys know how that happens, right?

Me: Yes.  It happens from sexual intercourse.

7. Location: Everywhere

Commenter: Are they all yours?

Me: No.  It’s a pretty touchy subject. Why don’t you ask her (point to my wife).

(Alternative)
Commenter: Are they all yours?

Me: I can’t tell you yet. You’ll have to tune in to Jerry Springer tomorrow for the big reveal.

(Alternative)
Commenter: Are they all yours?

Me: We’re still waiting on the test results on the youngest.  Fingers crossed.

So, there you have it.  That is what is really going through my mind.  I’m glad we could get that out in the open air.  Have any more to share?